Exploring your full sexual potential, part 1/24: how sexuality works

Exploring your full sexual potential as a man, a 24 part stage coach ride. Many men feel same-sex attractions, and wonder about their opposite-sex capabilities. In this series, we will look deeply into those feelings, riding from stage coach stop to stage coach stop. Part 1: how sexuality works.

I am an ex-gay secular psychiatrist. Please let me explain. Someone wrote to me:

“When I notice a guy, it’s hard not to start fantasizing—especially in the summer.”

You appear to be beating too much on yourself. The way to stop unwanted homosexual feelings is not by trying to avoid those feelings, but by understanding them just as they come into mind.

After you digest the narrative in this series and have given that some thought, and after some therapeutic exercises we will suggest, you might understand in more detail what messages your sub-conscience is beaming out. And there you are, trying to tell your sub-conscience to be quiet!

Fool.

Be glad that your body is sending you messages, albeit encoded messages, but which nonetheless are vital to you as a healthy person. Embrace your homosexual feelings and desires, I say.

Oh, boy, now I did it! I said:

“embrace what you hate”, “embrace what you want to extinguish”, “embrace what you want removed”, “embrace the bad you”, “embrace who you have become.”

Yep, they are going to kill me. I am saying “embrace the gay” instead of “pray the gay away”. Surely I am leading them right along the pathway of gayness to hell.

Please don’t kill me. Let me finish this first chapter before you jump to conclusions.

You have had a bad start in life, not bad in many ways but bad in the sense of not having accomplished a full and satisfying connection or identification with your father or father figure and everything that he stands for. You missed out. This insight is the core of each and every form of ex-gay therapy.

As the Australian Identical Twin Studies in the year 2000 have proved beyond all reasonable doubt, with your genes, hormones and maternal womb influences, you can indeed adopt a gay label or just as well, a fully heterosexual label, as 90% of the identical twins in this huge study have shown us (it was confirmed in later big studies elsewhere too). And that is not an exception in these studies, it is the rule. You can be gay (nothing wrong with that), but with the very same genes and all biological factors that you possess, you can also be full-blown straight (nothing wrong with that either).

It is due to  psychosexual development, not genes. You missed out somewhere in your development, and it hurts. Not so for your identical twin brother (if you had one). You experienced things differently than he did. That cannot be denied. And it has caused you much pain and loneliness. A strange feeling of being totally alone in the world, and feeling bad and guilty about yourself. A vague feeling that is hardly described in any textbook or article you can get your hands on. Hardly any guy knows this predicament, and hardly any book covers this issue.

Glad you dare to look into your feelings and are now searching for some answers that science has to offer.

And in the street, wow, you see this guy: he does not have that predicament. He walks around self-assured (oh my god!), he walks around feeling good about himself (how the hell does he do it?), he is great and is showing it (who taught him that?), he is king of his world and is in charge (how will I ever reach that status, how can I attract his attention, why am I not like that?)

I want, I need to be his friend. I need to be in his inner circle, I need to walk around like a king too. Although, I am puny, make that fat, make that too small, make that too big, make that too nerd, make that too involved, make that too dopey, make that too bright, make that too clumsy, make that too clever, make that too self-conscious, make that too unaware of my environment, make that too isolated, make that too lonely. Make that: I feel horrible.

Oh my god, oh my god. I feel it, I am aware of it. I am in despair. Why am I who I am? Why am I not just someone else? Like him?

I love myself, I hate myself. I admire my body, I hate my body. I need friends, but am useless as a friend. I want to be king, but who would want to befriend a freak like me?

How does he do it? How does he just walk around and radiate his maleness like a lighthouse and be the most perfect creature a man would want to be?
Why don’t I feel that way? What is wrong with me? I hate me, I hate me, I hate me.

Let me just try to evade that guy. Let me just try not to look at him. Let me just try not to feel. Let me just try not to be who I am. Let me just try to be perfect, and to act/feel/be straight. But when I open my eyes, Oh my God, there he is again: that look, that confidence, that fun in being yourself without a worry in the world.

I am doomed, I am a moron, I am a misfit, I hate myself. I am not going to tell anyone. Besides, I am never going to get there.

Welcome to self-talk. Not all may be appropriate for you as you read this, but every man struggling with unwanted Same-Sex Attractions shares many of these things.

Embrace your SSA’s! Why? Because they are a hieroglyphic from the past. A powerful one, a pervasive one, and a hieroglyphic not to be denied.

hieroglyphic-alfabetThe more you deny the hieroglyphic, the more it comes back to haunt you. In old Egypt, hieroglyphics were placed in pyramids and when the tomb raiders came, they were haunted by these strange signs. And so will you when you ignore their encoded message.

The more you repress your SSA’s, the hieroglyphics, the more they will come back. They represent suppressed conflicts of your youth which keep nagging until they are resolved.

What are the hieroglyphics saying? After all, those hieroglyphics, those SSA’s, are you. Nobody else but YOU.  Formed when you were too young to understand, nagging for attention as you grow up. They nag and nag and nag. They are a blessing.

Oh boy, I said it again. Fancy being positive about SSA’s!

‘ I want a solution and I want it now!’  Well, you are out of luck, buddy.

As you will no doubt soon find out. Or already have over the last few years and summers.

They keep coming back. Okay, we are nearing autumn of 2016, but alas and alack, the summer of 2017 is on its way. Shit! That good looking moron is no doubt working on that six-pack. The jerk. I hope I do not see him. I hope to be cured next spring.

Yep, I am going to pray, and avoid, and look the other way. I hope I never see him again.
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But he will be there.
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And when the tension rises, your testosterone comes to help you out. A natural hormone meant to help you achieve connection with the “other”. But because with you , the “other” has not (yet) become the opposite sex, but that guy with those looks, six-pack and self-confidence, then testosterone lets you achieve that much wanted connection: you get sexual arousal and a hard-on.

It feels so good. Rightfully so. That is why you are male. And it is good to be male. And it is good to have testosterone. And it is good to let good old testosterone do its work.

You sexualize what you have not yet, or ever will, fully assimilate. You will never connect or assimilate femaleness but can yet achieve sexual connection without becoming female. After all, that is what testosterone accomplishes.

But in your case, good old testosterone also lets you sexually connect to what you are not, without becoming that person, THE MALE.

This insight is the core of all sexual therapy.

You are the person who feels lack of, or uncertainty about masculinity since a time you cannot even remember. You yearned for it desperately then, you yearn for it desperately now. Three year olds have feelings too. And that three year old has become you. You were great then, you are great now but do not feel your greatness.

You have sexualized the desire to identify with maleness. Each porn site, gaybar, secret visit to a cruising area, and skype call is witness to this fact.

But you will never ever reach it permanently through testosterone. All the homosexuality in the world will never let you connect for once and for all, or assimilate or become that other person.

After all, fancy getting an erection and then becoming a woman! Testosterone prevents that from happening.

For the homosexual this means: getting an erection and then becoming fully a man, becoming one with his male qualities! You won’t. It only happens in the short-lived seconds of orgasm (chat session, real life or otherwise).

After that: end of story, a slow cigarette to cool down, and inevitably back to the drawing board. “I have not become a woman (or for the SSA-guy: I have not become that man)”. That is how sex hormones work.

Try it, over and over again. 500 times, 1000 times. You say: “when I notice a guy, it’s hard not to start fantasizing”. I say: you will not acquire the hyper-admired characteristics which are incessantly on your mind as you walk down the street. After sex, you are always back to Square One.

Great in a heterosexual relationship (“I have not become a woman”), a disaster if that guy is something you secretly wanted to incorporate in yourself, or who you would openly like to be.

For the homosexual, sexualizing a guy and identifying with a guy are one and the same, which is not so for opposite-sex attractions.

But then, what next, how to deal with your SSA’s?

You need to understand your SSA’s, those hieroglyphics. You need to feel good about Square One. How?

To be continued.

Job Berendsen, MD.

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