Exploring your full sexual potential, part 14/24: Switching on and off, theoretical aspects

How come you can look at men, admire them, watch porn about men (sometimes even having sex with men), but never seem to get that lasting basic satisfaction that you are yearning for? Why does it wear off so fast? After all, a holiday in Alaska or Hawaii doesn’t wear off at that rate. What are you doing wrong? It seems as if you are incessantly filling your private little masculinity bucket with maleness that you glean from others (men are great), but next day the bucket is empty again. It is quite simple: there is a hole in the bucket.

1. Why am I a man?

Where do most guys get their masculinity from? Well, the first identification figure that almost every child has, is his mother. She is the be-all, end-all of your universe. At age 2, every boy undergoes the influence of his genetically driven urge to identify with his own sex. This is a very strong instinct, and this instinct is what has made our species survive through the ages of hardships, famines and early parental deaths.

Let us look at that urge:

As soon as a parent dies at, say, age 30 (not uncommon in earlier times) then a boy of ten years old who has identified with him, can assume his roles in the small communities and help the group (usually 40 to 60 persons) survive. If children fail to assume that role immediately, it stands to reason that the group’s chance of survival diminishes, especially if more adult males have died due to war, disease, etc. Therefore, this instinct is a life-saver for the child and the group. It has become hardwired in our genes.

But some boys do not identify sufficiently or quickly enough with the same-sex parent at age 2 to 4. With your SSA’s, you are one of them.

2. Failing in Squaw Camp

At the end of the day, the boy living in Squaw Camp, has rejected his father or father-figure. Perhaps Dad wasn’t there. If he was, the boy felt rejected, of perhaps just ignored, or looked down on, or deserted by him (was that really so?), and he defiantly rejects back. “Go to hell, you do not really care for me. What do I care? I do not need you. I will stay here with my loving mother and sisters”.

And more often than not, the kind mother approves of this role that her son attributes to her. The son turns to her for love. Is it her fault? Who knows. But it went that way.

He may even become her little helper, her confidant in her marriage hiccups, her ally in her loneliness, her personal friend, the best friend she ever had, perhaps even her soul-mate (yuck!). And he needs to make her feel proud. He does all he can to be her source of pride and joy.

If Mom smiles, I smile. If Mom scowls, I feel bad about myself. That attitude may last a lifetime.

But deep down inside, the call of the genes remains. The boy still feels strongly compelled by means of a genetic desire to identify with his own sex. It becomes a secret longing. He can gaze at men, at other boys all day, wishing he was there, wishing that he was one of them.

3. The growth of hatred

But when he wakes up from his boyhood dreams, he finds himself yet once again in Squaw Camp. And he does all he can to feel comfortable there. What else can you expect? What else is there to do? He therefore plays girl games, does girl things, does all he can to fit in inconspicuously in order to be loved, protected and recognized.

But women folk? He secretly hates them.

He wants to be with men. But the sad feeling creeps up that he was rejected, or that men, the warriors, were absent, or they did not care, or at least that he will never fit in. “Go to hell”, he concludes. Loneliness is not about being alone, it is about not being seen. This overwhelming sadness has to stop. So he switches off the very urge that torments his emotional neediness. “I didn’t want you men in the first place”. A clever and protective conclusion grows in his little mind, there where he is too young to really make any other sense of the world. He gives up, toddler that he is. For a toddler is a human being, making up his mind for ever more. That is what toddling is all about: a full time occupation. You learn to make up your mind, and take it from there.

Men folk? Deep down, he has come to hate them too, all in a very short space of time without anyone noticing his withdrawal from relationships that should have been formed to last a lifetime.

So, what do we have now? He hates being with the squaws, but he also hates the men who he felt rejected by, and who he rejects in return. “Drop dead, I hate you. I can do without you”.

Poor kid.

Are we reparative therapists saying there is bad parenting, as some people accuse us of? No. The parents did all they could. But the conclusions that the child reached, are his and his only.

The parents did not want that conclusion, and years later they will be staggered to find out that the child has acquired SSA’s in the process. It is certainly not what they wanted, and nor can gay-lib demand that parents embrace it as a much desired outcome of their parental skills. But the son’s developing SSA’s is a fact of life. Luckily, all is not lost: a good insight-giving therapy can and will make all the difference in the world. Healthy therapy is not rocket science. Please read on.

4. The growth of phobias

So, from a professional psycho-analytical point of view, a man who develops SSA’s is actually a man who resents being in Squaw Camp and who is cowering down there to the women in order to survive (he is becoming heterophobic, he hates the straight-jacket of Squaw Camp), but in his anger and despair he also has come to hate same-sex individuals (father, peers) with whom he just did not manage to identify with (yet).

In his mind they have caused him shame and the embarrassment of not being good enough (did they really? Or is it all in his mind? And who will ask that question in this day and age? Who dares challenge a man with SSA’s about his feelings?)

“They can all go to hell”, so he feels. Low and behold: he is becoming homophobic, hating his own sex, people who feel so other, so not ME.

(Please note: in psycho-analysis homophobia means resistance and an irrational, unjustified fear towards the same sex, not resistance towards “gays” as gay-lib has wrongly concluded. The term “gay” is only a fifty years old label and a stigmatizing political one at that, and no part of psycho-analysis. We use the word homophobia in the original psycho-analytical sense of the word. The word has nothing to do with denouncing or avoiding the current “gay” label. Ancient Greek ὁμός homós, meaning: same).

During the day he hates his own sex; they are not really me: “I am different”. But come night, he sexualizes his secret desires. As darkness sets in, the man inside emerges to the surface, and a unique desire bubbles up to yet ride with imaginary male warriors. He is not giving up. He sneaks off as he prowls around the public park, the gay-bar or the Internet. But come next day, his deep sad resentment sets in once again. Hasn’t he always done that?

We do not see this incessant on-off phenomenon in heterosexuality. Straight guys are consistent in their feelings, all the time. Although I admit that their level of sexual arousal can vary. But never does a lack of sexual arousal turn into hatred or avoidance of other men or women. His sexual arousal just fluctuates, that is all; but no phobia towards others.

A deep look into the feelings of men with SSA’s reveals a different picture, at least if you are willing and persistent enough to observe really closely. We see a painful arrangement of double binds, which inevitably leads to lower self-esteem. He must learn to love himself and consider himself part of society.

5. The mistrust in gay-lib ideology

But people who have adopted the “gay” label do not trust the same-sex parent and all that he stands for in any way. Heterosexuals are the enemy: “We must fight”, so gay-lib informs its audience. Us-them thinking will prevail.

Dutch gay-lib, the COC, says on its website: “Vecht mee!”, meaning: “Come fight with us!”

It is always about fighting, victories and eternally “Forward!”, as radical lesbian feminist Kate Kendell from the National Center of Lesbian Rights in L.A. says in each and every fund-raising email. Enemy-thinking is implied. FORWARD! to an illusionary ultimately happy state of bliss, not to be found in current society. She poses as the Restless Warrior, almost like a roaming vampire who will never find peace of mind. Like in the TV-series ‘True Blood’, of sorts. Please donate; they need all the blood, sorry, all the cash they can get.

In youths and young adults who regard themselves as questioning, radical gay-lib feels that the option of heterosexuality must be crushed, irrespective of the wishes and personal values of the individual himself. This crushing is to become a nationwide and worldwide movement. And this ideology is to be implemented starting from primary school. Forward!!

As Wayne Besen puts it in his activist manual: Anything But Straight! That is the actual name of the rally cry of radical gay-lib activism. You can buy it at Amazon.

A previous book on sale at Amazon by the Ku Klux Klan has been banned because of racism: “Anything But Black”. It was considered hate-speech. Heterosexuals loved it. Is there any difference?

Kidding! Folks, I am kidding about a Ku Klux Klan book on “Anything But Black!” There is no such book. But not kidding about Wayne Besen, by the way.

6. Phobias all around

So, in a man developing SSA’s, we can see the development of heterophobia AND homophobia. He is becoming phobic all around, phobic towards the majority of the human race. And by means of gay-lib rhetoric, he regards 97% of the human race as “not my crowd”. Only the 3% of men and women who are like him are regarded as my crowd, “my community”. How sad.

A man who has successfully identified with his same-sex at a very early age, has no reason to be angry with his father (figure) or same-sex peers (no homophobia), and he does not resent women in Squaw Camp because he was already saddling up on ponies with the male warriors and his male peers, fooling around and having fun at being a (very naughty) boy. It was maleness all around, and his need for male identification has been satisfied sufficiently to feel good about himself for the rest of his life.

He has no resentment towards women because he felt no suffocating love, no need to cower down to acquire a gram of conditional love from women, no need to be an obedient puppy dog. After all, Dad and men were out there too. How good they felt. They became “me”. No resentment towards women because they allowed him to be himself: an unashamed male, a real boy. “Boys will be boys”. For a gay guy, this is a sound from another universe. During his life, the phrase more often than not, was: “Boys will be perfect”.

In the life of an ever-straight, women kept their distance. Hence no heterophobia. Being with a woman does not entail enmeshment for him. There is a great dividing wall, and ultimately as an adult, a wonderful penis as the ultimate symbol of gender, the right to be ME. Any woman who does not recognize the significance of a penis, fails to acknowledge and appreciate the difference between men and women.

We see radical gay-lib these days sanctifying that lack of appreciation. In fact, depreciating any difference between men and women, depreciating gender itself, is now being marketed aggressively. It is almost like a new religion. But the numbers of suicides among people identifying as “gay” or “trannie”, even in the most tolerant countries in Europe, have not reduced since then, by the way. Talk of harm.

7. Is being “gay” a mental disorder?

Personally, I consider this question, posed by gay-lib, to be a narrow-minded thing to ask, stemming from a black and white world. It is like asking a horse with blinders to look to the left. For what if I said: Yes? All hell would break loose. But if one nevertheless insists on asking the question so bluntly, then my answer would be: it is a syndrome.

Why? Because, as I have shown you kindly and emphatically above, SSA’s means you are experiencing homophobic feelings AND heterophobic feelings. A person who has never experienced SSA’s in the sense of sexualizing the same sex, does not experience those phobic feelings to his fellow human beings, be they male or female.

Is that “gay”state of mind therefore a mental disorder? Get real. Make up your own mind.

Being “gay” means being phobic to 97% of the population, phobic to the “straight world”, a phrase in which all other people, who are loving and kind, are labeled and viciously stigmatized as being “other”, not ME. This acquired state of mind inevitably leads to feeling left out, feeling alienated, feeling different, feeling to be the odd man out, ultimately feeling lonely, feeling sad, and feeling deserted by your fellow man. The whole world becomes an alien place, and you become the visitor from another planet in this strange situation. Happy, loving families become threats and are painful reminders that you aren’t a part of that loving world.

Poor guy.

To denounce anyone in this predicament is not only adding insult to injury, but would be a cruel and unjust act. But to do the opposite, and to say that this state of being “gay” is the ultimate Divine design, the plan that was laid out for you all along, is equally unjustified, and in some ways almost as cruel. There is no scientific evidence, produced by any researcher, let alone a loud-mouthed gay activist, proving that some people are destined to hate mankind and feel alienated. Gay Affirmative Therapy is not based on any sound scientific research. You were not born to feel that way. Feeling alienated from mankind is not your destiny; it is your challenge, something to be conquered.

8. A solution

And the solution is quite simple: you need to recognize the moment that you alienate yourself from men and women, and then consciously create new behavior. That behavior is well overdue, but it is never too late to become who you might have been.

Let us be as children once again.

I have another simple game. We will do as all little children do, kids who act out negative feelings in mutual play, and who ultimately acquire mutual understanding and bonding in the process. I will show you this simple game in the next part. But first, let us look at the theoretical concept which lies behind understanding homosexuality.

Homosexuality consists of three separate things:

1 – The first is heterophobia, keeping the opposite sex out of mind as a sex object.

2 – The second is homophobia or fear and alienation towards the same-sex. During the day, Dr. Jekyll is at work in his laboratory, our regular Mr. Nice Guy, complying to the requirements of women in Squaw Camp. But at night Mr. Hyde creeps out on his way to the public park, sauna and computer screen, deliberately seeking the same sex in order to undo all the rejecting of the same-sex he did during the day. And it works, thanks to that good old hormone, Testosterone. What a chemical! How good it feels.

3 – The third is the sexualization of an array of life events and problems that ever-straights have not encountered, and which are neutralized by the amazing properties of Testosterone. You name it, you got it. Incompatible feelings are made bearable by Testosterone. Here are a few things SSA men sexualize, but each individual has his own story with a varying degree of severity. In this description we demonstrate these feelings when the severity is high:

a) – Despair and inferiority:

I’m a worthless peace of meat, maggot that I am. Do whatever you want to me, and I’ll love you for it (leading to unsafe sex);

b) – An unmet need to be dominant for a change:

Bow down, and take it, you had it coming (God that feels good! And luckily no females around for they have always made me feel bad about being an aggressive sexual male. I am fed up with squaws rejecting my maleness. But I can have sex like any man, baby, make no mistake, and I am not offending any woman. I am using this male bottom. Down, boy, down! How good it feels. I said: down!)

c) – Infinite neediness:

Love me for who I am, just do with me whatever you want to do (Oh, my god, an anonymous person actually complies, he sees me, but will real live people do it tomorrow too?),

d) – Infinite cowering like a beta wolf:

If this leads to H.I.V., so be it; it is just my fate and you will see that I will not get this virus, not me, no, not this time. Just let us have fun, for God’s sake. This moment is precious. It will never occur again if I resist his penis now. No condom? Well, okay, I suppose. No, I am not a sissy. I need this. Come on, now is the time. Oh that feels good! I needed this, I deserve this.

e) – A need to be seen and admired for who you are:

What, you need me to undress on this skype video-chat? But I don’t want to. No, don’t switch off. Okay, but this is as far as I will go. No, don’t go away. Okay, pants down. But that is all. Is your penis THAT big? No, I am not a pussy, okay. Here is mine. Stop pushing me. Okay, I will masturbate, but don’t reject me. Stay on-line.

f) – Infinite bursts of incomprehensible bewilderment and sadness

I need a fix. Okay, I need to care of myself. I haven’t had a fix this week yet. I am becoming impotent. I saw these good looking, confident 20-years old male guys today. I feel so miserable. God, that attitude, that look, that confidence. Will I ever get over this? My pastor asked about my marriage situation. They are onto me. Would you believe it? I need a fix. God, give me a fix. But then, I am sinning. I am so sad, I am a failure. Good grief.

g) Crying out to Dad

Why did you desert me? I am not you, you are not me. You are this alien person. Yet, I love you, Dad, more than you will ever know. How this insight hurts. Stop this pain. Stop this insight. Stop it. Go to hell. How could you? I hate you and all you stand for. Please love me.

Everyone has his own story. But there is an easy way to get over all of this. The core predicament is heterophobia and homophobia. So, what to do? Simple, recognize the moment when you are into one of these modes, and stop it. That is all. It sounds too easy to be true, but it just takes some will-power.

In the next part, we will show you

(1) how to recognize the emotional moments as they occur,

(2) urge you to write down what you felt at that time,

(3) invite you to rationally make up a new narrative, and then

(4) to emotionally implement it if it ever occurs again.

We will demonstrate rational-emotive therapy, the art of effectively switching between your emotional impulses which are part of you, and your rational maturity which has made you a responsible adult. We will demonstrate that, on the one hand, emotions are healthy, and that rationality, on the other hand, is a life-saver too, as long as you alternate them both.

9. Conclusion

Overcoming SSA’s is easy, once you know how. Despair about this emotional subject is nothing more than the bogey-man projected onto your children’s bedroom wall at night by the street-light, filtering through the partly closed curtains as you toss and turn, trying to fall asleep.

To be continued.

Job Berendsen, MD.