If you feel you were bullied at some time as a child, resentment can be carried on to adult life. That feeling can grow way out of hand, far more than necessary. What happens if we replace the word ‘bullying’ with the term ‘connection issues’? What if we see bullying as a dynamic interaction between two persons with equal power who fail to connect? There is talk of power imbalance. Big bad other guy, poor little me. Let us take a shot at another angle: was it all so one-sided?

On the website Ditch The Label, we see the usual approach to bullying. Educators are urged by gay activists to divide the world into victims and victimizers. In this train of thought, we see how bullying is approached as a one-sided phenomenon: one person is passively suffering from abuse, the other is the perpetrator. And the perpetrator needs to be fixed! The school counselor will yell, “line up the usual suspects”.

If the word ‘bullying’ is substituted by the words ‘connection issues’, we get to see an interaction between two equal people, both of whom have issues. When it comes to fixing, is it fair to just blame the alleged bully? Are we not, in case we blindly adhere to the usual mainstream narrative, bullying the bully when portraying him as the root of all evil?

The website Ditch The Label says,

“The reason you are being bullied is never because of something to do with you, although they will often choose something about you and target that. It could be how you look, your skin color, sexuality or a disability – the list is endless. Please try to remember that you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing you need to change.”

There is nothing you need to change? You are a saint and he is the devil? In this approach, bullying is seen as a singularity, a one-sided affair in a mono-dimensional context. ‘I am right, he is wrong’, all happening in a black and white world. There is tribalism all around. It is as if they are saying, ‘Our gang will prevail, and ultimately we will Public Enemyconquer the streets. Raise the rainbow flag at the town-hall. Let’s make bullies the out-crowd forever’.

Is there no alternative to building this divided world?

1. The school playground

At the schoolyard, 14-year-old Timothy felt bullied, and Rodney was to blame. Timothy finally went up to the office to report about his feelings of being victimized. The teachers were outraged. They had not seen these acts themselves, but if that is what Timothy says, then that is what goes. He had recently preferred to call himself gay after reading about it. The teachers labeled it LGBT oppression. Rodney was scolded and sent to detention, but no ordinary detention as a form of punishment, no, he had to undergo LGBT-awareness training. It was the newest high school experiment. His parents were notified, and off he went after school.

The teacher, a feminist, started lecturing to him in a very kind, albeit fake manner. She went on to discuss how diverse people can be. Rodney hated it, and suddenly asked her,

“If I was assigned human at birth, can I turn into a dog when I grow up? Can I have a tail sewed on?”

The teacher was beside herself with rage. What an anti-LGBT thing to say! Rodney was a hopeless case. The look on her face was worth gold, so he felt as he flashed his most innocent smirk.

The next day, Rodney had to face his schoolmates. At lunch break, they chanted “Rodney’s been to Sissy School, sis-sy, sis-sy, Rodney’s been to Sissy School”. Everyone laughed. Rodney felt embarrassed at first and it created resentment toward that snitch, Timothy. Snitches get stitches, is the saying.

Rodney then went on to declare that he can now be a woman if he wants to. He proceeded to unzip his trousers. “No, don’t!” yelled his schoolmates in horror. He pretended to pay no notice and went on to declare that he was also taught how to sing really high. His mates roared with laughter. “Show us”, they exclaimed. And Rodney started giving a demonstration. “I bet no-one can sing as high as I can”, he said. Well, his mates were not going to let him steal the show, so they too starting singing high. “Patrick wins”, Rodney declared and everyone patted Patrick on the back. They had fun. Rodney was a great guy to be around with.

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In the mainstream narrative, everyone wonders what to teach all the Rodney’s in the world. But perhaps it is time to change our tune and analyze what Timothy can learn and what all the Rodney’s can teach us. The LGBT-teachers will immediately exclaim, “how dare you blame the victim!” But if they are prepared to hold their horses, sit back and listen to some thorough analysis of the mind-frame of boys who are considered pre-homosexual, then perhaps at the end of the day Timothy can also feel that he is being helped.

Not only will we analyze the mind-frame of Timothy, but we can take a shot at the teachers, too. After all, the last thing in the world we need is more citizens being pushed around, especially if they happen to be male, heterosexual and white. Cornering people is never a good idea, and we need to keep a keen eye on homosexual self-pity, an attitude which at the hands of organized extremists is dividing our society ever more.

The current unsubstantiated hate-speech against Donald Trump which the National Center of Lesbian Rights disseminates (CEO Kendall writes “Donald Trump has declared war on the entire nation, my dears” in order to procure donations through fear-mongering) could very well turn into hatred towards all the little Trumps in the world, the bold boys who are blond, blue-eyed, male, white and yes, heterosexual. Are we witnessing the birth of a new Public Enemy?

Her law firm, by the way, according to the NCLR_2012_annual_report has 60 lawyers at work and 150 assistant employees, none of whom are men. Not even after 40 years since she joined the board of directors. Talk of diversity! Not a single guy needs to consider even applying for work. Is this hate-speech, hatred or what?

Let us take a look at that presumed enemy, and do so in a kind and loving way. What if he were standing at the blackboard in front of the class instead of being marched to detention? What can he teach, and what can Timothy learn?

2. Gay affirmative therapists

Sometimes, activists like Gay Affirmative Therapist Joe Kort accuse others of having a “heterosexual privilege”. What a strange remark. With his colleagues, he is always dividing mankind into two separate sub-types, gays and straights, portraying them as immutably different human species. If we try to tune into the feelings he is trying to convey, we see two important issues. Without his knowing it, he has described the whole homosexual predicament in two simple words. His observation of “privileges” is merely a private sentiment, and it has little to do with the other person.

We can sense two qualities being expressed by him:

1. resentment

2. jealousy.

Let us expand on this.

The basic predicament of same-sex attractions is a person’s being caught in a double bind. Homosexuality can be seen as a temporary state of mind consisting of a flip-flop, a duality, a complex of contradictory emotions that compete with each other for dominance. Although it may seem that way, the essence is not the art of feeling attracted at any given moment, but the knack of pushing the other guy away during the other moments. It is called defensive detachment which started at an early age, see our previous article. Contrary to coercive gay-lib propaganda, science has unequivocally proved that a genetic or biological basis does not exist. Homosexuality is a mental process; it is a coping mechanism to deal with deeply conflicting emotions.

3. Understanding Timothy

In human mental development, the young baby first identifies with his mother, and with her, with the female. Later on, he faces the challenge of letting go of these feelings and identifying with the male figure, the father, who stood farther away. This process is governed by genes, and it almost always goes smoothly. Genes drive the young male child to experience needs for affirmation, hugs, admiration and a sense of belonging to the male world. But in a very small percentage of young boys, they do not feel these needs being satisfied.

The mother figure is there all right and present, but there is almost always a distance to the father figure; he may be aloof, self-centered, too busy, depressed, or even totally absent. But at any rate, he is not available, or perhaps just not available enough. The longing is great, and there is a genetically driven urge to dis-identify with the first identification figure and to hook up with the father figure and all that he stands for. There is a hungry, devouring need to suck it all in and to fill up the inner gasoline tank to the brim with maleness. “Fill ‘er up” is what a young kid’s life is all about. And with a tank full of maleness comes happiness, self-confidence and ultimately a sense of self-love.

But if the tank station was out of gas, or there was no attendant at all, a sense of awkwardness arises and inner unmet needs for love, a hug, and an affirming pat on the head will last a lifetime. In the future life, self-love will be merely a mirage on the horizon and the usual self-blaming that children have will lead to self-loathing. The young child may end up carrying a sense of worthlessness around with him, an inner sense of gloom, an inexplicable sense of hopelessness. He may come to feel he is not good enough. These are the building blocks of depression, seen so often in men who label themselves ‘gay’.

The rate of depression, anxiety states (a neurotransmitter equivalent to depression) and fooling around with suicidal thoughts is staggering. According to some studies, it would be 14 times higher than usual. This cannot be explained by external influences, because then we would also be seeing this in other parts of psychiatry, which is not the case.

The depressed feelings come from the inside world, not from the outside universe. They are the ultimate result of the many building blocks of depression which are to be seen in the psychological development of the child. The gas station was out of the liquid called love and self-esteem, and it occurred at a crucial time in the child’s development.

That is one side of the story. But wait, there is more. After many anger fits, many cries for attention and many futile efforts to get that male affirmation, a defense mechanism sets in. The child will give up, turn his back onto these hopes, save his soul and detach. Staying with Mom and the female world is perhaps a second-best alternative, but it is still a life. “If you don’t know where to go from here, then stay put”, is an age-old wisdom from the Chinese I Ching.

The boy will dwell with the females, remain attached at that dwelling place, not from a romantic point of view, but from the coziness of the primordial attachment. It is not a love affair with the Mother as some psychologists erroneously think, it is a neutered but comforting staying home at Base Camp. To all male identification figures, the boy will say: “I didn’t need you in the first place”. It is called defensive detachment. Bye, bye, gas station.

But there is even more. At night in puberty as the male hormones kick in, a sense of jealousy, of need, of envy, of craving emerges; the petrol tank is catching up with him after all. There is no gas station attendant around, but perhaps the boy can get himself a jerrycan full. It is done secretly, first in his thoughts, then by gazing and admiring the boys who have it all. “How do they do it?” so he feels.

The gazing becomes a habit and it is annoying because outwardly, his behavior was the other way around, it was defiance. He demonstrated avoidance of other boys who had it all, it was detachment, he engaged in defensive moves, pushing them away. But slowly the longing shows its ugly face once more. And the pain comes back, the need, the urge, the misery of wanting but not getting that groovy inner feeling of maleness. It is back to the drawing board, a place where most kids got their petrol tanks filled up years ago.

And so our young boy marches around with his jerrycan to get some maleness from somewhere. His needs are influenced by his strong male hormones, and the needs become sexualized. First romanticized, then sexualized. And after some inner debate, he reaches his verdict:

“I don’t want to push maleness away anymore, to the contrary: gimme, gimme, gimme. How I love it. Do you know what? I love guys, I love maleness, I am gay”.

He may go out at night, secretly, to a gay cruising place, or seek the Internet. There he goes, sneak, sneak, pitter-patter, pitter-patter. No one knows, but he is going to quench his secret thirst. Pitter-patter, pitter-patter. “I want, I need”. Sneak, sneak.

What a long road to travel through. How lonely can you get? How inexplicable, how weird, how ME. And other men apparently do not have to go that way. They just get that maleness for free, and they have done so from a very young age: “the heterosexual privilege”.

What we see is jealousy and an ultimate feeling of anger, hostility even towards the persons that the boy has pushed away. He feels that others have pushed him away and fails to realize that all the pushing stems from himself. It is the defense mechanism of projection, whereby the boy attributes his negative emotions to others, thereby purging his soul of all evil thoughts. So, with boys and men with same-sex sexual behavior, we now constantly see two defense mechanisms at work: defensive detachment and projection. This leads to a core feeling of envy and resentment towards those for having it all without a worry in the world.

Of course, those other men have no idea what all the little Timothy’s are talking about. Even most psychologists have no idea what motivates our Timothy. They just stand back and listen to his mutterings. They see his needs, but they do not understand the root of the need, the craving, and the jealousy. They just think he has this rare sexuality all of his own, his so-called homosexuality, and they fail to see that he is the same as all the other children and young adults. His needs are their needs, his sense of maleness is their sense of maleness, but Timothy turned his back on those needs when others had their gas tank filled up with male identification. Timothy’s tank was half-filled, or perhaps for one quarter or three quarters, but he shares the same need and is the same guy as everyone else. Separate sexualities do not exist. Anyone could have marched that road, and a ‘gay’ guy is our everyman.

Since the year 2000, science has demonstrated that a gay identity is not a biological entity, it is merely a scaffolding to get what you need, and to get what almost everyone luckily already possesses when coming to age. Everyone can have same-sex attractions, but everyone is also capable of opposite-sex attractions. If so-called heterosexuals have their privilege, then so do our so-called gays have a specific privilege: the privilege to understand, to gain insight and before you die, to find peace.

4. Understanding Rodney

Just like every other child, self-confident Rodney has emotional needs even though his boldness and outward-going attitude lead others to dismiss their existence. Timothy had no idea that Rodney is just as needy as he is. He thought he was the only one. Timothy gave him a treat of defensive detachment, read: saying ‘no’. Rodney had no idea that Timothy has emotional needs and that they underlie his detaching behavior and his inward-going attitude.

So, Rodney experiences Timothy as rejecting him (which he does, by the way). And Timothy certainly does not look like someone who has something to offer him, like companionship, a pat on the back, a laugh. Timothy will not join the crowd, he will turn his back and do things on his own. And he will do them well like piano-playing, writing poems, acting at the school play, all sorts of things which will gain approval of the teachers, something that Rodney does not get. But they are the deeds of a loner.

Note how the jealousy between the two pupils is now mutual. And note how the inner needs exist in the pair of them.

But there is a difference. At an early age, Rodney’s father once took him to a football match. The big stadium intimidated Rodney. His sensitive father noticed that, took him on his arm, and told him gently that there is nothing to worry about. “All people love you, all these men love you, they will always love you, because you are a very lovable boy”. He said it only once at a crucial time in his son’s development, but it will last a lifetime. Rodney does not need to fool around with his body-image to feel good about himself. “Dad loves me the way I am”, so he feels. Rodney just sucked it in. What a match, how great that impressive stadion can be, so the hungry kid felt! “I belong!” And all for free!

Timothy, on the other hand, perceived his father as distant and unavailable. He never got round to internalizing a feeling of being lovable, and of knowing that all men will love you. He has given up on them, and he demonstrates it every day by not being available himself. He wouldn’t even know how to do it if he tried.

Now that we know that Rodney experiences Timothy as someone who is rejecting him, and now that we see that Timothy experiences Rodney as a distant male whose world is miles from his own, we have the perfect stage for negative interactions between them. Rodney teases him and tries to get him out of his clam-shell, into which Timothy creeps ever more tightly.

When Rodney is teased for having been sent to Sissy School, he knows in his heart that he is lovable and that the other children mean no real harm. It is not an affirmation of his deepest fear of total rejection (like Timothy has acquired in his loneliness), and he has learned the art of reaching out, just like his father taught him. So he invents something to make contact, to invest energy into his mates and to create a game for all to join: singing high. It was hilarious and the game yielded the rewards of a strengthened mutual friendship.

Timothy, on the other hand, earned the reputation of a snitch. He could send you to the most embarrassing thing modern school life has to offer, the humiliation of LGBT training where you learn that with a penis you could very well turn into a woman when you grow up. It is a daunting prospect. Will Timothy now be more loved by his peers as the feminist teacher knows for sure? Does she understand the inner life of boys at all, or is she indoctrinated with LGBT ideology which relies heavily on the supposed existence of enemies and the need to step in for once and for all?

5. Conclusion

The solution that every man who experiences SSA’s has to grasp, is the necessity to make contact, to be in touch, to invest energy in others, and to do so outside of the clam-shell of the so-called “gay community”. He needs to expand his view on peers, he needs to start loving all men and women around him, and he needs to learn that the existence of a “gay community” is not only fake but harmful as well. It is like the cocoon of a silkworm, creating a narrowing of consciousness. Dwelling there too long will reveal its rigidity and sectarian enemy-thinking. And the ultimate consequence is loneliness, a predicament that cannot be solved from within the self-fabricated hiding place of the silkmoth-to-be.

Perhaps people rejected you, but to what extent did you also let them feel YOUR rejection? In what way could they go to hell? Bullying is defined as an imbalance of power, but was that so? The weak-little-boy act may last a lifetime, but there is still time left.

To be continued.

Job Berendsen, MD.