The term enmeshment describes a relationship where no boundaries can clearly be distinguished. The relationship takes on the form of a unity like two adjacent vine plants who appear to have become a single flourish of green and color. When a whole nuclear family does the same, then boundaries evaporate, or no boundaries may perhaps ever come into being at all. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 34: Beyond enmeshment lies the void
If sexuality is never fixed like a stone but more like the moving of sand as the tide flows in and out, how can one create new configurations? In this article, we will start tackling the issues that block the road to new insights. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 33: The forces behind same-sex attractions
“Am I good enough as a male?”, that is the question. In his unique book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’, therapist Robert Glover explains how an incessant ‘Nice-Guy’ attitude can become a prison, doing more harm than good. During an email exchange, I had recommended the book to Daniel. He found the book to be staggering. After three weeks, Daniel said how hard it was, however, to put his defensive shields down and stop habitually being the nice guy under each and every circumstance. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 32: Am I a wimp?
Human life can be seen as a pattern of emotional, physical, and spiritual growth. It is like the ocean beating on the shore as we grow older, forming a never-ending pattern of bumps and cracks in the sand. In paradox psychology, we recognize that thoughts and feelings can even be at odds with one another while the tide of life flows in and out, creating the small mounds of sand and then washing them away again. In one-dimensional psychology, however, the coming and going of the tide (or feelings and behavior) are denied, and everything is brought down to a simple and cheap slogan: born that way. That is to say, it has always been that way and will always stay that way. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 31: Attachment theory
Is being perfect a blessing or a curse? In paradox psychology, we view perfectionism as a two-sided coin. Both statements are true, in the same person and at the same time. This is the core of paradox psychology, a way of viewing human life as an array of opposites, which never appear to meet. They seem irreconcilable, and yet, they are there. All we need to do is to investigate them until the next paradox comes along, which we then investigate also. After some time, the original paradox just fades out of view, out of importance. We do not resolve the issue, we transcend it. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 30: the two-sided coin of perfectionism
One of the greatest contributions to science by the late Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., was his revealing the existence of double-binds. Painstakingly, he demonstrated how men who experience same-sex attractions are often caught up in a set of totally contradictory feelings, more often than when one experiences opposite-sex attractions. Not only are they contradictory, they appear to be incompatible. A world of paradoxes comes into view which cannot be understood in a straightforwardly way. Paradoxes feel uncomfortable and yearn intensely to be resolved. This article aims to change the usual narrative and to come to peace with them. They are very private friends. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 29: Paradox psychology
In the radical gay-lib ideology, much emphasis is placed on being a victim. It has become the core of all activist thinking these days, justifying a war on others. But cultivating victim-hood has a down-side. It robs a person from assuming a more assertive and powerful stance. Weakness comes up and the chances of reaching goals wither away. Sometimes, being a victim has an authentic cause, but more often than not, the stance becomes addictive. People who are highly sensitive are particularly prone to feeling like a victim. In this article, we will investigate that problem. Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 28: “Victims feel too much”
If you feel you were bullied at some time as a child, resentment can be carried on to adult life. That feeling can grow way out of hand, far more than necessary. What happens if we replace the word ‘bullying’ with the term ‘connection issues’? What if we see bullying as a dynamic interaction between two persons with equal power who fail to connect? There is talk of power imbalance. Big bad other guy, poor little me. Let us take a shot at another angle: was it all so one-sided? Continue reading Exploring your full sexual potential, part 27: Were You Really All That Bullied?
Matthew from Nebraska reached out by email the other day, asking “What is about the need for external male affirmation that still creeps up now and then?” He went on to explain that on some days he still feels inferior, or as he calls it ‘something other than maleness’. His most vital question at this time is: “Why do I still have the desire and yet at the same time hatred for certain men?” Continue reading Exploring your Full Sexual Potential, part 26, “The Dance of Defensive Detachment With Its Counterpart: Same-Sex Attractions”
Many men who have same-sex attractions are searching for something that remains elusive. This is very frustrating. It can be quite helpful to understand the relation between being a person as a Subject or seeing oneself and other men as an Object. In this article, we will explain the relation between these two from a child-developmental viewpoint. It is called Subject/Object psychology. We will show how infant mental growth takes place and how this leads to a distinct awareness of the self and others. Continue reading Exploring Your Full Sexual Potential, Part 25: The Subject-Object Relation